Wednesday, 3 February 2016

From Script to Screen: OGR #2

1 comment:

  1. OGR 03/02/16

    Hi Dee,

    As you're nice and early, I thought I'd reciprocate. Your storyboard is very readable - it communicates well. I do have some suggested enrichments however. In terms of camera, I'd suggest that we need to push towards the space station after it pans into shot, as a slight push will communicate unambiguously that the next shot is indeed the interior of the space station we've just been shown.

    In terms of setting up the purpose of the space station, I think you need more visual exposition: so once you've given us the master shot, showing the various aliens moving back and forth, I think you need to devise a way of 'explaining' the purpose of this space station and what the aliens etc. are being herded for. Right now, it's not clear. You could, for example, put together a short sequence whereby we're shown the designation of each tunnel - via a symbol or pictogram of the activity the slaves will participate in - so something equating with mining ore, or harvesting crops or... You need to show us the relationship between the different points of the 'compass' (the different routes out of the space station) and the device on everyone's head; so, simply put, you could have a green light on the head gadget, and a green light emanating from the tunnel to which those aliens are being herded etc. This exposition - these relationships - aren't communicated yet. The other thing I think that is missing is a directorial way of showing the drudgery before we zone in on the protagonist. I'm thinking of a montage-style sequence, which uses repetition as a means of 'showing' drudgery; close-ups of marching feet and the lights on the head implants, dead eyes, intercut with birds-eye view shots of the fixed 'pattern' of the movement of people etc. In short, I think you need to look at the sequencing of information before we meet the protagonist, as I don't think you're communicating the 'slaveness' of this environment yet.

    In terms of the last sequence (the intimated rebellion) - I think you need greater coverage in terms of shots: so consider a rhythm of shots in which the freed slaves look at each other first, before they look at their captors (we see them agreeing wordlessly to what must come next). I think you need to move the camera back and forth between the slaves and the captors a little more to inspire tension and expectation in your audience.

    In terms of interiors / weapons etc. I do encourage you to move now to the cleaner techniques of your character studies, because I'm not finding the sketchier elements as useful now in terms of evaluating their success or otherwise. There's a creeping organicism to your environments, guards and guns which you just need to watch, because those softer shapes might not help communicate what is sterile and 'automated' about your culture. I'm not rejecting it wholesale - and indeed, there's an insectoid-quality getting started, which, if you dial it up a bit further, could indeed be a visual concept that aligns with 'hive minds' and regimented hierarchies (ants/termites). Right now, it does feel as if things aren't quite crisped up, both in terms of your technique, but also your production design. Give it some thought and then clarify accordingly,

    In broad terms, you've worked hard to be as far ahead as you are; now, I just want you to go in and clarify everything more so - and that includes ensuring that your understanding of the space station and its purpose is also available to the audience, who haven't gone through this creative process with you.